Confession: Most of the heartache I’ve experienced has been made worse by my own doings.

A few years back, I was entangled in a quasi-relationship-thing with someone. I couldn’t seem to understand why things fell apart and at the time I didn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with not having a tidy reason.  So, when I insisted on meeting (for the umpteenth time) to talk about what had transpired between us he said: “It’s like you want me to tell you I don’t like the color of your comforter or some specific thing about you.  It’s not like that.  You did nothing wrong.  You can’t knock them all out of the park.” 

He was right.  I definitely can’t win them all.  No one can!  But,  I’ve come to understand it was never about needing to “win him over” or “knock it out of the park.”  Nope. I got tripped up on the feeling that he wasn’t taking responsibility for his actions.  Every time I asked to re-hash things with him, I  was getting my hopes up that he’d suddenly see things from my point of view and take responsibility for his part in the situation.  Trying to force someone into seeing things your way or taking responsibility for things they don’t want to is a recipe for major disappointment.  

Recently, I was involved with a guy who traveled a lot for work.  We got along very well on many levels, but the time he was willing to invest was very limited.  We ended things because he insisted he didn’t have more time to give. Yet, he was always telling me stories about all the fun and fabulous things he was doing over the weekends.  It irked me that he didn’t acknowledge he was making an active choice not to spend time together. I wanted him to shoot me straight and tell me he wasn’t ready for a relationship instead of relying on  his travel schedule as an excuse.

But why does it matter?  Yes, it’s true, I didn’t like the feeling that he “got away with something” by not admitting he still wants to be single.  It’s even fair to say the  “fixer” in me wanted to help him figure something out about himself.  Worst of all, the childish part of me wanted to “win” by having him say aloud what we both already knew.  In the end, no one is right or wrong and no one wins or loses – we’re just two people who want different things. It’s mighty tempting to keep hashing things out until I get the answer I want, but I’ll admit – insisting on having the other person confess the “real why” for closure purposes is selfish and immature.   And perseverating about it is a fruitless, time-suck that causes unnecessary heartache.

So, here’s to moving on. Growing up. And letting go.

Suggested musical pairing (to enhance your reading pleasure):