A couple of months ago, I was out to dinner with two of my guy friends. We were at a little Italian restaurant in the Hamptons where the tables were dressed with white butcher paper over-top white table cloths. One of my friends pulled out a pen and began asking us questions that were supposed to reveal deep insights into our personalities. Imagine you’re in a forest – “what does the forest look like?” You come across a vase – “what does the vase look like? What do you do with it?” And so on. He jotted our answers down on the paper table cloth and then we sat around for the rest of the meal talking about his psychological interpretations. I should mention, he’s not a shrink. By any stretch.
There was one question that stuck with me. His interpretation irked me because I knew he was right and I didn’t like it one damn bit. The question was – “You’re walking through the forest and you come across a bear. What do you do?” I said I wouldn’t look the bear in the eye. I’d assess from afar if the bear seemed to be a threat and if I got the vibe he was generally OK, I’d just quickly walk past him and keep minding my business. Of course, the guys thought this was ridiculous and gave me a really hard time about my plan to simply skirt right by the flesh-eating bear. But, I stuck to my guns.
Little did my friend know, conflict avoidance is easily my greatest challenge in life. It’s the reason I’ve stayed in romantic relationships far longer than I should have. It’s the reason I’ve been in jobs that have taken over my whole world and rendered me utterly exhausted. And it’s the reason I’ve sometimes embarrassingly said an unkind thing or two behind someone’s back – because I didn’t have the skills or the guts to have healthy conflict. Conflict is a part of life. We should all know how to navigate through conflict so that we honor ourselves without humiliating our challenger.
Healthy conflict allows us to establish much needed boundaries. It allows us to show another person how much we value ourselves and what our expectations are for being treated with respect. It helps each of us keep fostering a deeper sense of our own identities by demonstrating what our values are and what we’re willing to take a stand against.
I’ll fess up. In my most recent relationship, I internalized all the conflict. I fought the arguments for both of us in my head. I tried to tip toe around the conversation I needed to have with him about being late, about being selfish with his time. He didn’t need a subtle hint. He needed me to be direct and establish a boundary with how I want and deserve to be treated. Instead, I silently reached my threshold and wrote him a carefully crafted, very diplomatic Dear John. Today, I’m making a promise to myself to vocalize my needs and boundaries… even when they make for uncomfortable moments. So, if I seem a little more saucy or direct, now you know why!
Recommended listening for enhanced reading pleasure:
Musings & Notions 