So long lover

New York feels smaller…and a bit less magical now.  He moved. Without saying goodbye. My first New York love just up and left.

We have a connection that’s laced with synchronicity… as if we’ve been following each other through life just waiting for our paths to finally crossover. We both hail from Texas, moved to Boston and then relocated to NYC.  We met when we lived just half of a block from each other in Nolita, a tiny neighborhood nestled next to Soho.  We discovered we’d actually been to the same concert in Boston the year before we met and we sat just five rows apart. And when he contacted me to tell me he moved, we learned he’s now living in a neighborhood I used to live in down south AND we’d actually been on vacation in Tulum at the same time last month.  Those parallel paths have a curious way of making me feel linked to him in some way that’s bigger than the two of us.

I still remember our first date in vivid detail. It was a Monday –  9PM at a cocktail bar down the street from our apartments.  I’d just moved to NYC and I thought everyone did Monday night dates at 9PM.  I even remember what I was wearing: black turtleneck sweater, tan skinny chords and black strappy heels.  He was wearing his usual: dark suit, no tie.  When I saw his mischievous grin I distinctly remember thinking “I’m either gonna love him or hate him.” Over time, it turned out to be both.

He’s the only guy I’ve ever dated that has had such a lasting impact.  I can recall whole chunks of dialog word for word as if they happened yesterday.  I remember every place we dined, every glass of “big angry red” we shared, the way he held my hand, the compliments we exchanged and ultimately… the hurt feelings. Ah, if he’d only had an open heart and been ready for real love.

I don’t know if it’s possible to be in deep love with someone you only dated casually for about six months, but I do think it’s possible to love the parts of a person that are presented to you.  For sure, I have a deep fondness for him.   I felt more like myself around him than anyone I’ve dated before or after.  And now he’s not in New York City anymore.  The chance meetings I’d secretly hoped for? Gone. The idea of rekindling the old flame? Ridiculous. I can only liken the feeling to mild grief – it’s sad when we have to lay our secret fantasies to rest and come to terms with what’s at hand.

He will always have a special place in my heart…for he is the only one who has been able to pry it open with such effortless finesse.

So long, Tex.

Musical pairing to enhance your listening pleasure:








2 Comments Add yours

  1. Sandra Keros says:

    Love this, Nicole! I, too, have felt deeply for someone I (only) spent six months of my life with. In one particular instance I think it was the idea of romance – both fulfilled and unfulfilled – that left my heart longing and mind wondering and it took me a couple years to finally let go of the dream. That relationship and other similarly short-lived ones have made me believe that, especially as we get older, “casual” relationships are just something we tell ourselves that we have with someone when we don’t want the eventual ending to be too catastrophic, or for its duration to have too much meaning. I’ve found that when I’m not really that into someone that I cut it off right away because time – especially alone time – is too valuable for me to spend with just “anybody”. I try not to make myself numb nor have high expectations of people; instead I have to remind myself to stay in the moment and enjoy the gifts I’ve been given in it. Regardless of how long someone is to be in my life, there is always something invaluable I can give to and receive from it.


    1. Hi! Apologies for the long delay. I just saw your comment. Thanks for reading and thanks for the thoughtful response. Yes, I agree – there is value in every human interaction. And it’s wise to be selective about who you chose to spend time with…because those people bring their energy into your mix.


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